Relationships
When you operate from your animal brain, relationships are difficult. When you operate from your human brain relationships are amazing. It’s because the animal brain is all about survival and will do anything to survive including ‘killing off’ what could be a great relationship because it doesn’t care about you being happy or the relationship being great.
Here’s the thing about your brain—you have three of them: the reptilian brain which keeps your heart pumping, your liver filtering and all your other organs working. On top of that is your animal brain (limbic system) which is all about survival and lives in constant fear. It is like a kind of watch dog, always on the look out for danger, being taken advantage of, or being abused. Above the animal brain, is the human brain (cerebral cortex) and we are the only ones on the planet which has one—no animal has a human brain!
The human brain creates amazing things like art, music, architecture, electricity, and all the other thousands of inventions that have taken us from living in caves to living in homes with hot water coming out of walls, televisions, phones and stoves. Think of the last time an animal came up with a new invention? They didn’t. Animals are born in fear, live in fear and die in fear. You only have to look at a herd of animals grazing; they are constantly on the lookout for danger, ready to flee at the flick of a tail!
It isn’t that our animal brain is bad or that we shouldn’t have one. The animal brain is there to serve and protect us. It keeps us from danger and out of harms way. The problem is that most of the time, we are not in danger sitting in our office or at home. To the animal brain everything is a potential threat and an offence. “What did she mean by that?” “I don’t like the way he just looked at me!” “I think she’s up to something!” “He shouldn’t talk to me that way.”
The human brain is completely different. It operates from love and acceptance and nurtures relationships because it enjoys living in peace and harmony. The human brain does not take advantage of another human being and always works at finding the peaceful solution. You can instantly recognize people who operate mostly from their human brain because they have great relationships. Conversely, you can instantly recognize people who operate mostly from their animal brain because they do not.
Like the woman whom we will call Lucy who came to us a couple of times for direction. She began by telling us how horrible her life was, “I hate my job. I hate my apartment. I hate the telephone company I worked at (over 20 years ago). I hate the telemarketing job that I have now. I haven’t talked to my daughter for 6 years. I have no friends, just a lot of acquaintances.” Next she said, “I would really like to earn my living as a teacher.”
So we talked about how she could become a teacher. She came back the next week and said, “I’ve realized that eaching is not for me. I just need to find my purpose in life.” Before she left, we said, “Okay let’s begin by affirming your day.” And we gave her the following instructions, “Every morning stand in front of a mirror, look into your eyeballs and say, ‘today I am amazing, today I am going to realize and live my purpose.’”
The following week she came back and said, “I didn’t affirm my day because I already kind of do that.” That’s when we realized that it is impossible to instruct someone who is operating from their animal brain. It is impossible to make the ‘switch’ for someone else. ‘Switching’ is what makes the difference between just reacting to events as they come up or being in charge of events and deciding how you want to react.
The important word here is ‘switch’! Between your three brains, is something that scientists call the Reticular Activating System (RAS). This is the ‘key’ that turns on the brain. It is the organizing center inside the brain, where the outside world meets the inner world of feelings and emotions. It is where an event is turned into being a hateful experience or loving one. Imagine this event: a couple is having breakfast together; both are reading newspapers like they always do. Suddenly one of them has a thought, puts down the paper and says, “Do you know, I can’t remember when we last had a cooked breakfast.” Their partner without putting the newspaper down or looking up says in a mean voice, “You want a cooked breakfast? Light your cornflakes on fire!”
Animal brain or human brain? The human brain would turn that comment into a relationship building action. “You’re right! Let’s do that tomorrow—what would you like to eat?” The animal brain however, is lazy and just wants to be comfortable. It would never dream of cooking breakfast just for the love of doing it.
If you want to have a great relationship, ‘switch’ to your human brain and be accepting of others—even when you don’t feel like it, and even when they don’t deserve it. Because face it—everyone has a part of their personality that isn’t so nice. At the beginning of a relationship, you don’t see it because the survival mechanism of the animal brain kicks in and keeps it in hiding—just like animals hide in the forest. As time goes by, the animal brain gets comfortable and those nasty parts of the personality slip out and that’s when relationship problems start, “I don’t like it when you do that…”
When you operate from your human brain, you can accept those parts instead of fighting with them and causing more anger and upset. From your human brain you accept the other person as being human—animal brain and all—and that’s when amazing relationships are formed.
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